From the Archive: Why “Thoughts and Prayers” Might Sound Hollow

This piece was originally written by Lois Hall, MS in February of 2018 and details some of the alternatives to the "myths" we're taught regarding grief, both in ourselves and when trying to help others.

        When tragedy hits our community – our school, our place of worship, even our nation – we might not be personally involved, but still our hearts cry out. We want to help. We want to respond. We want to “do something.” But what?

        When we’re not physically close to the situation, or we’re not emotionally close to those involved, how can we respond and meet our own heart’s need to express our own concern and care?

        Often, we hear others say “you’re in our thoughts and prayers.” Perhaps we have said this too – out of the frustration of not knowing what else to say. But for some – especially when you hear it so often - this phrase might sound hollow, or insincere. Why is that?

        One of the things we talk about – and teach – in the Grief Recovery Method (GRM) is that often we hear things that are “intellectually or spiritually true, but emotionally unhelpful.” We’re not taught or supported in telling our truth – in talking in emotional language – so we say the things we’ve heard from others, often from childhood. Those things have been reinforced in us for decades and so we’ve come to use them too, and to perpetuate them as we talk with others.

        Examples of things that grievers are told that might be intellectually true include: “you’re young, you can have more children.” “she lived a good, long life.” “he’s not suffering anymore.” “There is someone out there who’s meant just for you.” These things might be intellectually – factually – true, but for the person who is left grieving, these things might not be emotionally helpful to them. Yes, mom did live a good, long life, but I wasn’t ready to be without her yet. I’m still missing her. I’m still sad.

        Examples of things that grievers are told that might be spiritually true, depending on their spiritual beliefs, include: “they’re in a better place now.” “God will give you comfort.” “You’ll see him again in heaven.” “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” While these things might be spiritually true for some – again, they might not be emotionally helpful. Sure – she’s in a better place… but I’m not. I’m left here to grieve and to miss her… Sure – heaven is a better place and I will see him there later – but for now – I’m not there and I miss him…

        So – in some cases, telling someone that they’re in our “thoughts and prayers” can be the epitome of trying to comfort someone with intellectual and spiritual tools. Thoughts – the intellect; and prayers – the spiritual.

        In the GRM we talk about trying to paint a room blue – but having only a hammer and a saw to do this task. Those are obviously the wrong tools for painting a room any color. While there are elements of intellect and spirit in our response to grief, it is primarily not an intellectual or spiritual endeavor, but an emotional one. We need emotional tools to help ease our grief – but we’re not usually taught those, or supported in finding and using them. That’s where the GRM comes in – it teaches us some important emotional tools that we can use in addressing our grief.

        But when the griever is someone else – how can we avoid using possibly unhelpful intellectual or spiritual tools to express our sorrow or our concern and care for them? What might be some better ways to address these situations? What else could we say that might be more emotionally helpful?

        First – what else might we say – using feeling words if possible, and as appropriate to the situation:

• I can’t imagine the shock and pain you might be feeling.
• I am so sorry for this unbelievable loss in your family or your community.
• We are experiencing our own feelings of sadness and disbelief that such a thing could happen to one you love.
• We’re hopeful that you’ll find some relief eventually, as you make your way through this time of loss.

        And Second – what else can we do – even from a distance, even if we don’t know those involved, again, as appropriate to the circumstances:

• Talk about your own feelings with those in your life – family, friends, faith leaders, others. Especially talk with your own children about what’s happened and give them a chance to share their own feelings. Then be a big heart with ears and listen to them as they share from their hearts.
• Make a donation to a suitable cause – one that YOU know is credible and reputable – Any cause that supports love and community will honor the person or community where the tragedy happened, even if the donation is made to an organization in your community. Even making a small contribution will be a realistic action you can take, that when combined with others, makes a difference to those impacted by the loss. Anything we do to promote love and community anywhere will be an honor to those whose lives were lost.
• Send a card or note to someone who has been involved, to thank them for their role, and to acknowledge that they too may be grieving what they’ve experienced in this situation – maybe a first responder or agency that is providing assistance; to a community group involved in the response effort; to a faith-based organization who might be providing support or respite to those impacted.
• Plan or organize a memorial event or place in your own community for others to post their tributes or memorials to those involved. Even if this is local to your own community and not directly in the place where the incident has occurred, you will be helping others convey their sentiments which will help lead to community recovery as well as providing some measure of individual recovery.
• Journal or write your thoughts and feelings about what’s happening and what it means to you.
• Take time to be good to yourself – and find your own way of honoring those that have died, and remembering those who are grieving.

        Grief is an emotional experience. Grief is ever present – certainly in the news, but also, too often, in our own lives. So – learning to respond using our emotional tools is important in helping others know that our hearts are breaking along with theirs, and also to help our own friends or family – and ourselves – work through the feelings of grief, experienced when tragedy comes to our community or our world.